


First I Cried For Him And Then I Cried For Me (Haunted By The Ghost Of The Girl I Used To Be)

by sentimentalPackrat



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Conversations, Dreams, Dreamscapes, Emotional Baggage, Feelings, Feels, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Talking, Talking To Dead People
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2021-01-02 15:17:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21163772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sentimentalPackrat/pseuds/sentimentalPackrat
Summary: Tavros And Kanaya talk.





	First I Cried For Him And Then I Cried For Me (Haunted By The Ghost Of The Girl I Used To Be)

Kanaya gnawed at her lower lips nervously, her face illuminated by the bright projector screen that beamed from a port in her husk keyboard. Her room was unusually dim - she much preferred letting some sunlight in to liven the place up a bit, but not now. Now, Kanaya was mostly shrouded in darkness. Mostly.

As her prong tapped over keys, hitting backspace, typing out more sentences before retracting them once more, an ever repetitive anxiety-fueled dance, the jadeblood wondered where this was in the timeline. Or, if this was even part of her timeline at all. Perhaps some other Kanaya's. Wherever she was, she could assume with certainty it was before the game, before the vast croak.

And, she was certain of who she wanted to talk to. 

The "adiosToreador" on screen, in her friend list, was enough to prove that he was real, he was here. A part of her acknowledges that in the waking world, his trolltag would still be there - just forever idle. 

Kanaya pushed that thought away.

As Kanaya attempted to type yet another fruitless sentence - a greeting, an apology, some confirmation that he was there - the idle icon next to adiosToreador changed from idle to active. The jade seized up. She was caught in the act.

The few seconds in between what she assumed was Tavros seeing her typing and then him typing up a message himself was a bloodpumper pounding nightmare.

AT: oH, hEY,, kANAYA, }:)

AT: uH,, i'M SORRY IF I INTERRUPTED YOUR TYPING THERE

AT: i DIDN'T MEAN TO,

AT: i WAS JUST A BIT EXCITED TO TELL YOU SOMETHING,,

AT: yOU CAN KEEP GOING IF YOU WANT,

AT: oR NOT,,,

AT: uM,, i'LL JUST GO

GA: No!!!!!!!!!!

AT: oH, }:0 oKAY, i'LL STAY THEN,,

AT: wOW,, i DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN YOU BREAK YOUR QUIRK BEFORE,

GA: Sorry

GA: I Just

GA: Im Just Feeling A Bit Overwhelmed

AT: rEALLY?, dO YOU WANNA TALK ABOUT IT?,,

AT: uH, nOT IN LIKE,, a PALE WAY OR ANYTHING,

GA: I Know Tavros

Ga: Its Fine Theres No Need To Worry 

AT: sORRY, i JUST DON'T WANT TO OVERSTEP ANY BOUNDARIES,

AT: oR MAKE YOU MAD AT ME,,

GA: Would A Smiley Face Make You Feel More Secure

AT: pERHAPS,, }:)

GA: :)

AT: }:D

AT: nOw, uH, dO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT'S OVERWHELMING YOU,, oR,,,,

AT: iTS OKAY IF YOU DON'T,

GA: No I Do Don't Worry

GA: I Suppose What Im Most Overwhelmed About Is

GA: Is Talking To You

AT: mE?,,

AT: dID I DO SOMETHING WRONG?,,

AT: dID SOMETHING BAD HAPPEN?,,,,

GA: No

GA: Not At All

GA: Actually Its More Along The Lines Of The Fact That I

GA: I Have Done Something Bad To You

AT: wHAT?, nO!,,

GA: Its True 

GA: And I Am So So Sorry Tavros 

AT: nAYA DONT SAY THAT,

AT: tHATS NOT TRUE,,

GA: It Is Tavros

GA: Ive Been A Horrible Friend And Im So Sorry

AT: sTOP SAYING THAT!,, i DONT WANT YOU THINKING, oR SAYING STUFF LIKE THAT

GA: Tavros

AT: sORRY, bUT, nO,,

AT: i DONT WANT YOU THINKING STUFF LIKE THAT,

AT: yOU TELL ME ALL THE TIME THAT I SHOULDNT BEAT MYSELF UP, oR HAVE BAD SELF CONFIDENCE,, oR LET WHAT OTHERS, oR EVEN MYSELF, tHINK OF ME GET ME DOWN,,

AT: sO I WONT LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU, eITHER,,

AT: iN FACT,, tHE WHOLE REASON I WAS SO EXCITED TO TALK TO YOU, wAS BECAUSE I FOLLOWED YOUR ADVICE,,

AT: i GAVE MY SELF CONFIDENCE A NAME, lIKE YOU SAID,,

AT: hIS NAME IS RUFIO, aND HE'S COOL AND LIKES ME,,

AT: aND HE'S KIND OF LIKE ANOTHER PERSON, aND ALSO MY FRIEND,, aND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF MY FRIENDS, sO IF ANYONE MAKES FUN OF HIM, iLL STAND UP FOR HIM,,

AT: aND SINCE HE IS MY SELF CONFIDENCE,, tHAT ALSO KINDA MAKES HIM ME??,,

AT: tHEREFORE, iF I STICK UP FOR RUFIO, iLL ALSO BE STICKING UP FOR ME,,,

AT: sEE?, yOU HELP ME ALL THE TIME,, }:D

It was only then that Kanaya noticed the tears streaming down her cheeks. She sniffled, before quickly wiping them away.

GA: Thats Great Tavros

GA: I Am So Proud Of You

AT: }:D

AT: sEE?,, nOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SAD,,

GA: Im Sorry Tavros

GA: But I Still Do

AT: wHAT?,

AT: wHAT DO YOU MEAN?,,

GA: I Did Something Very Bad

GA: Something I Cant Undo No Matter How Many Times I Wish I Could 

GA: And If It May Not Entirely Be All My Fault I Still Feel Somewhat Responsible 

GA: Because I Was Everything But

GA: I Was Irresponsible And Foolish And I Didnt Think But I Thought I Could Change Her And I Was Too Little And Too Late

AT: kANAYA, wHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?,,

GA: Perhaps Itd Be Better If I Just Showed You

AT: ???????,,

Kanaya stood with a sigh, gathering her bearings, staring at the projected screen with strained eyes. Here she was, at the precipice of her fate, the proverbial belly of the beast. She thought that someone of her caliber, her flaws and mistakes and faults, didn't deserve someone as soft as Tavros to be her judge and jury. For she knew that no matter how harsh the punishment, he wouldn't be able to deliver a worthy punishment - certainly not the death penalty. He hadn't been able to deliver that in the waking world, either, not even in the hour of his death.

The jade sucked in a deep breath, before exhaling, trying to let all of her stress escape with it. Then, she marched ever close to the wall, before closing her eyes - 

And simply stepping through.

Kanaya found it a bit odd that she'd never seen Tavros' hive before, both before and during the game, or in dream bubbles. 

It certainly wasn't the yidiest abode she'd ever seen, but trolls in glass hives shouldn't be ones to throw stones. 

The walls and rugs were dull browns. Fiduspawn cards and oogonibombs littered the floor, with the corresponding Host Plush tossed here or there. Fantasy-esque posters were scattered along the walls of the hive, most of them including elements of fairies. Kanaya took note of the largest poster, that being of Pupa Pan, with a quirk of her lips.

Though, her eyes soon moved over to the left side of the room, spotting the ramp that led up toward Tavros' recuperacoon. Her face fell. She recalled getting the news from Sollux, who in turn had gotten the news from Aradia. Vriska had pushed Tavros off of a cliff, though the cerulean insisted it was Tavros' own fault. Kanaya remembered alternating between sitting and waiting for updates and pacing around her hive, chewing at her claws. Aradia was the one to find him and get down to the shore first, dead set on saving her other half of Team Charge. The burgundy had been able to heft the bronze back up to the cliff with the assistance of Terezi and Sollux, and had made a bit of a makeshift pulley system with her strife specibus, if Kanaya remembered correctly.

And nights afterward, Kanaya had colluded with Nepeta to fuss and meddle and pester Equius until the indigo gave in and made the ramp and wheelchair. A bitter part of her thought that neither was his best work. But, it was something, at least.

And just another reminder of her failures.

Though, the jade managed a smile as her eyes landed on Tavros' wheelchair, seeing his tuffs of hair stick up from behind it. 

"Tavros." Kanaya called to him, inching forward.

She heard the bronze let out a frightened yelp, and he struggled to turn around in his chair. Kanaya's bloodpumper sunk with the realization that, even if they hadn't played SGRUB, Vriska had still doomed him. If the drones had found him, he'd certainly be culled. He would never even make it off planet.

As Tavros struggled to turn, Kanaya merely walked over to him, moving into his line of sight.

"Don't Worry," She shushed him. "It's Just Me. Don't Be Afraid."

kANAYA?" Tavros choked out. "h- HOW DID GET HERE? wHEN DID YOU GET TELEPORTATION POWERS?... wERE YOU ALWAYS ABLE TO DO THIS?"

Kanaya forced back a chuckle, kneeling down to the other troll's level. "No, No, It's Not That. It's..

A Bit Hard To Explain. Or Maybe It Isn't. I'm Not Quite Sure At The Moment…"

The bronze blood quirked his head in confusion. "...i'M SORRY, bUT, uH, i DON'T REALLY KNOW,, wHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?..."

Kanaya sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "I Just… I Just Want You To Know How Sorry I Am. Because… I Failed You, Tavros. I Fucked Up and I Didn't Protect You Because… Because…" Kanaya's lips wobbled as she strained to hold back the tears brimming at her eyes. "Because I Cared More About What Vriska Thought Of Me Than Anything Else! I Shirked My Duties As A Moirail Because I Wanted To Be Her Matesprit, And Everyone Else Suffered For It! Aradia Died And Terezi's Blind And You Can't Walk and Then You Died, Too! And No Matter Which Way You Spin it, It All Leads Back To Me! This Is All My Fault! And… I'm So Sorry, Tavros. I'm So Sorry That I Failed To Protect You, And Everyone Else. And I Wish I Could Take It Back, But I Can't, and I'm So Sorry."

Kanaya openly sobbed, hiding her face in her hands. And Tavros watched her, biting his lip and fiddling with his prongs nervously.

"nAYA, pLEASE DON'T CRY,," Tavros pleaded. "i,, i DON'T SOME OF THAT HAPPENING, bUT, uH,, i DON'T BLAME YOU FOR VRISKA MAKING ME JUMP OFF THAT CLIFF."

"But It Was My Fault! It Was! If I Was A Better Moirail This Wouldn't Have Happened!"

Tavros remained silent for a moment, looking down at his friend. "...i MEAN,, eVEN IF THAT'S TRUE,, vRISKA IS STILL HER OWN PERSON, y'KNOW? hER ACTIONS ARE HER OWN. iF SHE REALLY WANTED TO PUSH ME OFF A CLIFF, sHE WOULD, aND I DON'T THINK ANY AMOUNT OF CONVINCING FROM YOU, o- OR ANYONE ELSE, wOULD HAVE STOPPED HER…"

Kanaya's sobs quieted as she took in the bronze's words. Her breathing fluctuated and hiccuped. 

Tavros gulped, darting his eyes away. "UM,, wHAT DID YOU MEAN,, wHEN YOU SAID I DIED?"

Kanaya sniffled, slowly meeting Tavros' eyes again. She shakily lifted a hand and pointed a prong at the bronze's chest. "You.. You Tried To Kill Her. She Was Going To Fight Jack Noir, If I Remember Correctly, Which Would Have Spelled Certain Doom For All Of Us. But, Somehow She Got Your Lance And…" The jade's voice wavered. "She Peirced You Right Through The Chest.

Tavros blinked, beginning to shine with realization. "oH…"

Then, Tavros rose to his feet and stepped off his chair. Kanaya looked up. 

Tavros' eyes were pure white.

The ghost held out his hand, and Kanaya took it, and the bronze helped her to her feet. Though, as she got her footing, Kanaya found that she could not meet Tavros' eyes. She hung her head.

"I'm So Sorry." She said softly.

"lIKE I SAID, i DON'T BLAME YOU," Tavros shrugged, smiling softly. "uM, aND LIKE I SAID, aGAIN, eVEN IF YOU HAD TRIED TO STOP HER, sHE PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE LISTENED, iF SHE HAD REALLY MADE UP HER MIND."

"Still. I Still Feel Like… Like I Should Have At least Tried." Kanaya replied. "You Really Aren't Mad."

Tavros nodded. "iF ANYTHING, i'M MAD AT VRISKA, bUT… iT'S KIND OF LIKE, mUFFLED, iN A WAY? lIKE, tHE BEING MAD AT HER IS STILL THERE, aND A PART OF KINDA HATES HER, tOO? nOT IN A ROMANTIC OR PLATONIC WAY, bUT JUST. hATE. hATE FOR WHAT SHE'S DONE. bUT IT'S BURIED DOWN IN A PART OF ME, lIKE IN THE BACK OF MY MIND. aND I THINK IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. bUT THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO WITH IT, rEALLY."

Kanaya's lips pulled into a tight frown, but she nodded.

Tavros turned suddenly, his eyes focusing on the night sky just outside the window.

"hEY,,,,,," He trailed off, before turning around and offering his hand. Kanaya took it, and Tavros lead her to the wall, before stepping past it, with his friend following. There, they found themselves walking in the cool night air, the soft grass of the countryside brushed against their shoes.

Momentarily, Kanaya think she could see Aradia's hive in the distance, rust colored pinwheel atip her hive and all.

Then, Tavros stopped, and took a seat in the grass, staring up into the sky. Kanaya followed suit, sitting beside him. And all was quiet, except for the few murmurs and chirps of whatever creatures lurked in the grass.

After a while, Tavros spoke, "dO YOU REMEMBER HOW WE ALL MET?"

Kanaya hummed in thought. "I Believe I Eventually Met Sollux At Some Point, Who Introduced Me To You And Aradia, and I Introduced You To-"

"vRISKA," Tavros finished.

Kanaya frowned, nodding. "I've Known Vriska Quite A Long Time…"

Tavros huffed out a laugh. "iT'S KIND OF FUNNY, iSN'T IT? hOW EVERYTHING ALWAYS LOOPS BACK AROUND TO HER?"

Kanaya grit her teeth, then moved to nod - but caught herself. "...No."

Tavros turned to her, raising a brow.

"No, It's Not. It's Not Funny." Kanaya shook her head. "I… I Hate It, Actually. I… I Hate How Easily She Makes Everyone's Lives Revolve Around Her. I Hate How She Made Herself The Center Of My Universe All Without My Noticing.

"Or Maybe I Did Notice, And I Didn't Really Care At The Time." Kanaya's head fell into her hands. She felt a headache coming on. "And There's Not Even Anything I Can Do. She's Gone Now." 

"oH,,," Tavros gulped. "iF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, i NEVER HAD ANY ACTUAL FEELINGS FOR HER. pITCH OR RED. tHAT WAS ALL HER, i THINK."

Kanaya nodded. "I've Had A Feeling For A While Now, But… At The Time, I Think Everyone Just Assumed You Two Were Together. I Even Tried Auspitize. I Thought… I Thought I Was Doing A Good Job, But… There's No Passage in the Auspitice Manual That Tells You What To Do If A Caliginous Relationship Simply Should Not Be."

"iS THERE EVEN AN AUSPITICE MANUAL?"

"No."

"aH…" Tavros pursed his lips. "... yOU KNOW, i DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY SHE LIKED ME. i MEAN, i KNOW WHY SHE HATED ME. cAUSE I WAS WEAK AND GULLIBLE AND AN EASY TARGET, bUT I DON'T KNOW SHE FLIPPED RED."

"Maybe That Was The Reason?"

"hUH?"

"She Saw You As Someone Weak, Someone She Could Control. She Quite Literally Changed The Outcome Of Your Life Expectancy In A Single Night. Of Course, She'd Be Attracted To That."

Tavros hummed, then turned away. "...iS IT BAD THAT I'M GLAD SHE'S GONE?"

"No. No One Would Blame You For That."

"bUT, aT THE SAME TIME,, i FEEL,, kINDA BAD FOR HER?? i KNOW SHE HAD HER PROBLEMS…"

"We All Did." Kanaya Said. "We Were All Just Kids."

Tavros nodded, holding his head in his hand as he stared at the sky thoughtfully.

"...Is It Bad That I Miss Her?" The jadeblood asked.

"i DON'T THINK SO, i MEAN, yOU WERE FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, sO…"

"It's Not Even That I Like Her, Because I Don't. I Don't Even Consider Her A Friend Anymore. I Hate Her For What She's Done," Kanaya replied. "It's Just… She's… She's Like… She's Like A-"

"a DRUG." Tavros finished.

Kanaya turned towards her friend, eyes wide, before her face fell. "Yeah…"

Both of them turned towards the sky, silent. The watched the starry night, together, until the blazing began to rise up from beyond the horizon, bathing the countryside with light.

"I Think I Have To Go Soon." Kanaya said softly. 

"mE TOO," Tavros replied. And then Kanaya felt herself be pulled into a hug, the bronze nuzzling his cheek against Kanaya's. "aND I MEANT WHAT I SAID, uH, lIKE YOU SAID TO ME ONCE, dON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT-"

"-Because the world is going to beat you up enough already." They said in unison.

And when Kanaya woke up, there were tears in her eyes.


End file.
